"You do not have to be good": Words I repeat in my first semester at college

"You do not have to be good."

I think there is a stigma around finding classic art through social media, whether that be poems or music or fashion. But nevertheless, I found Mary Oliver's poem while scrolling through Instagram. Immediatly, her voice, so warm and deep, instantly drew me in. Each word carries an immense amount of weight.

I have always been a good student and always got the top grade in highschool. I'm a perfectionist; I see an "A" as average and a "B" as failure. But this fall, I started college at a top university. I was surrounded by people just like me. No longer was I at the top.

I got my first "C" on an exam and called my mom crying.

I'm struggling in my classes, I spend all my free time studying, I'm struggling to make friends, and I'm constantly homesick.

I thought college was going to be super fun. Partying, hanging out with friends, all while maintaining A's in all my classes. But as each day passes, this dream idea of college I have, seems farther and farther away. Yet every day, I want it more and more.

I expected more of me. I thought I would have already made friends by now. I thought I would finish my assignments sooner. I thought I would have gotten a better grader. I thought I would be happier.

The more I thought I "would be..." something, the more disappointed and frustrated I got with myself for not having it.

I think there is a widespread idea that your freshman year of college, more specifically your transition to college, is extremely lively and exciting. Why wouldn't it be? You're living away from your parents for the first time, meeting new people, and being in a more academically challenging environment. But I think it is easy to forget how daunting this transition is for an eighteen-year-old.

With all these expectations, frustrations, and disappointments that I have with myself, I end up coming back to Mary Oliver's poem and to that feeling I felt when I first heard her recite it.

"You do not have to be good."

How interesting... I've been trying to be good my whole life. At everything. How can someone suggest I do not have to be good?

I am beginning to understand that to not be good at something does not mean you are not a good person. "You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves." When did I ever start to believe loving what I love, wasn't enough? I don't think I'll find the answer to that question. And maybe it's not worth my time. But I do know that whenever I am down, remembering Mary Oliver's beautiful arrangement of words will always remind me of my "place in the family of things."